“Are you in an abusive relationship with yourself?”
George asked this question of our listeners at the end of this week’s episode — for the folks who haven’t listened to it yet, sorry! Spoiler alert, I suppose.
Even with all the preparation George and I do to bring you the best we’ve got on every podcast, we’ve made no secret of the fact that we are very much works in progress, learning right alongside you every single step of the way.
Still, I wasn’t prepared.
I wasn’t prepared to hear the question.
I wasn’t prepared to honestly answer it.
Which, of course, means it was the precise question I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear it. Isn’t it annoying how that always seems to be the case? Look, ideas of “growing through discomfort” are much more palatable when presented in an aesthetically pleasing way on Instagram. In the real world, adopting a growth mindset when you’re uncomfortable is just that — uncomfortable. Painful, even.
But until George asked that question, I never looked at the holistic picture of the relationship I’ve built with myself over the past 41 years on this blue marble spinning endlessly in space.
Underneath the endless rants defending to the death every entry in the Fast and Furious franchise (tread lightly), aggressive Formula 1 takes, and my borderline obsessive commitment to perfecting my Italian wedding soup recipe, I’ve allowed a powerfully toxic relationship with myself to flourish without limits.
Figure 1: Although many question Fast & Furious Tokyo Drift (e.g., "high schoolers" who look 35), we wouldn't have my boyfriend, Han, without it. Plus, Tokyo Drift took the franchise to the international stage.
I talk to myself, about myself, in ways that would horrify me if I heard someone I love doing to the same. In my darker moments, I seek out evidence that my worst fears and beliefs about myself are true, as if to say, “See? This is who you really are, you’ll never change.” Times when I find myself staring at a wall of my perceived failures, as I did more than a handful of times over the summer, I won’t treat myself well. “Why should I? I don’t deserve it.”
It’s impossible for any of us to chart a course for bigger, better, bolder in our lives if we’re not truthful in what our starting line is. I think it’s easy to evaluate where we’re “starting from” based on our external circumstances — our jobs, our relationships, how much money we have in our bank account, whether or not we’re meditating, or expressing the precise amount of gratitude on a daily basis.
In reality, everything begins from within. The relationship you have the world begins with the one you have with yourself. Your capacity for achievement begins with what you perceive to be your limitations for achievement. If you want the world to bet on you, you need to show up every day ready to demonstrate to the world how much you are truly betting on yourself.
Measuring success in adopting a victor mentality involves self-reflection, asking the right questions, and being open to growth and change. Set a success metric for yourself to measure your progress in maintaining a victor mentality. But it requires you to make the choice to be the victor.
Healthy expectations act as a buffer, fostering resilience and enabling you to navigate challenges with greater fortitude. But how do you create healthy expectations? How do you set yourself up for success with aspirational expectations that align with your values but don't set yourself up for failure?
Our ability to forgive others is only one part of the forgiveness equation. Much like other "big life concepts" such as love and happiness, our ability to express and bestow forgiveness to others begins with our ability to find forgiveness and self-compassion within.
“The more we see ourselves as victims who need to be saved, the more we’ll attract people offering to help. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it keep us depending on others and hence, stuck in the disempowering cycle of the victim mentality.
Truly, once you save yourself the universe will somehow conspire to help you out. But the work must be ignited from within. At the very end, we are our own victim as well as our own savior... the rest are mere excuses.” ― Omar Cherif
"I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you're not in this world to live up to mine." — Bruce Lee
