Are you haunted or are you haunting yourself?

This is the question I was trying to answer for myself around 2:30 a.m. last Friday night, while I was rearranging every piece of furniture I own, and reorganizing all of the art on my walls. Because I’m a totally normal and not at all insane person.

I spent most of June and July road-tripping — including trips to Connecticut (twice) and Tennessee (twice). My time on the road was a spicy blend of creating unforgettable memories with some of my favorite humans on this earth, as well as a handful of both planned and unplanned conversations that were challenging in all the right ways.

Collectively, these experiences forced me to think about where I am now, where I want to go, and what (or who) I need to release in order to get there. Because the time for fucking around is over. I’ve got exciting shit I want to do and dreams I want to achieve.

And it all came to a head that night — the start of my first weekend with no plans in weeks — when that devious question suddenly took center stage in my mind:

Are you haunted or are you haunting yourself?

A clarifying thesis of my travels. 

Is this a comfortable question to ask ourselves? Of course not. But it’s a necessary one. More often than not, we are the architects of our own suffering. We are the ominous phone call coming from inside our own house. We are plagued by unfinished business we refuse to finish.

We are not the haunted. We are the haunting.

So, let’s call these hauntings what they really are, shall we?

Denial.

Denial of what is broken. Denial of what never was. Denial of what once worked but has long since expired. Denial of what is only here because we are the ones clinging desperately to it, refusing to let go.

It’s kind of like the song, Lover by Taylor Swift. For years, this drippy, swooning bit of pop has been a top “first dance” favorite among newlyweds. It sounds positively dreamy; an intimate snapshot of a seemingly perfect relationship that celebrates the idiosyncrasies of each person.

But recently, the stadium-breaking songwriter released five playlists dedicated to the five stages of grief. And our celebrated “happily ever after” ballad, Lover, was smack dab in the playlist about DENIAL.

She revealed in a voice memo:

“This is a list of songs about getting so caught up in the idea of something that you have a hard time seeing the red flags, possibly resulting in moments of denial and maybe a little bit of delusion. Results may vary.”

And just like that, the fever dream around Lover broke. Lyrics we once saw as a testament to true love transformed into obvious, but unacknowledged symptoms of anxiety, fear, and loneliness. In truth, the song is a heartbreaking portrait of someone creating their own fantasy of “perfect,” because they couldn't admit they were dancing in their love story alone.

Self-deception is a hell of a drug.

Now, spotting a haunting in your own life isn’t always easy. Mostly because we like to ignore the often blatant signs that something is wrong.

For example, consistently feeling drained rather than energized and fulfilled after spending time with someone. You're drained because you're not with someone who sees, understands, hears, and loves you for who you truly are. So, you have to show up as a masked version of yourself to keep the peace, which is exhausting. We’ve talked about this before; sometimes two rights make a wrong, and no one is to blame.

Or finding yourself having the same conversations about the same problems over and over again, with no resolution. Each time, you complain with zero trace of irony, “Why is this so confusing?” Well, it's confusing because you’re choosing to remain confused. It’s a choice to avoid the easy solution of having the momentarily hard conversation. Or to recognize that constant confusion sometimes is your answer, and it’s time to walk away.

Old stories, broken connections, lies we tell ourselves, outdated assumptions, zombie relationships, projected fantasies, unsaid words, overdue conversations — these are your ghosts. 

So, are you haunted or are you haunting yourself?

Only you can answer that question, and you owe it to yourself to find out. Like me, you’ve also got a lot of exciting shit to do. You have a whole big life ou there waiting to be lived. But you can’t run toward what is meant for you if you’re still holding onto the dead weight of your past.

Let it go. 

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