I don’t know how or when it happened. But at some point along the way, the vast majority of us were brainwashed into believing the Venn diagram of what we should do in life vs. what we need to do in life looks like this …

...a single circle, wherein what we should do and what we need to do are always one and the same.

I was a devout follower of this way of thinking for years.

For those who don’t know me well, I’m a bit like a robot learning to love. Yes, I’m a hyper-passionate woman with deep convictions … and a feisty temper when I’m fired up about something. But my default is to treat feelings and emotional challenges like math problems.

I’m a very literal thinker who usually only gets heated when I believe someone acting upon feelings (which are notoriously unreliable) rather than examining the “facts” of a given situation. And when I do allow myself to tap into my annoyingly deep well of emotions, I will malfunction. Then I will go into hermit mode for a period of time to recover and reset. (For the personality nerds out there, I’m a textbook Enneagram 5, but without the endless reservoirs of cynicism. Strangely, I'm unabashedly optimistic.)

This has made me very prone to “should”-forward thinking, because this mindset turned life into a neat and tidy math equation:

Then, in late January of last year, I woke up in the middle of the night sick to my stomach. I, the perfect wife with the perfect life in the big house, couldn't shake a feeling of existential dread that seemingly had come out of nowhere.

I had been diligently following my SHOULD playbook for decades, but I was inexplicably miserable. One would think the more you achieve what you want, the happier you’d become. That’s how LIZ LIFE MATH was supposed to work. But the more I achieved, the more hollow, lonely, disconnected, and desperately anxious I felt.

That night, I shamed myself: “I should be happy right now, what the fuck is wrong with me?” I looked in the mirror. I was sobbing from my chest as if I was grieving, and I had no idea why. Sixteen months, and a number of purposefully life-altering decisions later, I now see the problem.

This is what the SHOULDS vs. NEEDS Venn diagram really looks like.

Yes, there is some overlap—e.g., you should AND need to pay your taxes, until the law says otherwise. Also, you shouldn't eat that deviled egg on the window sill; who knows how long it's been there!

But often your shoulds and your needs are not the same thing. In fact, there will be many times in life where what others say you should (or shouldn’t) do and what you know you need to do will be completely at odds.

• You should stick to what you know works. You need to take a risk.
• You should say yes. You need to say no.
• You should be polite. You need to speak up and out.
• You should fortify your safety nets. You need to cut the cords and jump.
• You should stay in your lane. You need to venture into the unknown to find what’s meant for you.

We’re taught what our SHOULDS are from a very young age, with everyone having an opinion about us at all stages of our lives.

What preschool we go to, who we hang out with in high school, what sports or activities we do or don’t do, where (or if) we decide to go to college, what we major in, who we date, who we vote for, our drink order at the bar, what sports teams we root for, our favorite bands, who we decide to marry, how we decide to label food at our wedding receptions, where we decide to live, the career choices we make, whether or not we have kids, how we parent, what we wear, what we think, what our kids wear, what our kids think, what we post online, what risks we choose to take … it’s exhausting.

Aren’t you exhausted?

Aren’t you tired of pretending this is what you want?

Even if you're doing everything "by the book," leading that "perfect life" based on someone else's standards, someone will still have shit to say about you. You will still be doing something "wrong." You will still be "failing" someone. You will still somehow "fall short."

And to top it all off, you'll be miserable. 

Fuck that. Time is finite. Live your life. 

Demand more for yourself. Start over because you realize you’ve built a prison rather than the kingdom of your dreams. Leave home. Say something. Build something. Break something. Blow shit up when it's time to rock someone's world, or maybe just your own. Go on adventures. Live out wild love stories. Take risks within your own life that others only dare to dream of.

It doesn't matter what you do. Just do something. Please.

You have one trip on this stupid floating, spinning space marble, and the cost of inaction right now is too great—a life unlived. Dreams, passions, innovations, loves, potential … all wasted.

Forever wishes, never realities.

Yes, it’s terrifying to go against the grain. To say "no" to everyone else in order to say "yes" to you.

But life will always be a spectator sport.

Let the "Monday morning quarterback" fans in the stands complain about your "performance" and how they would have made different, better choices. And when it happens, remember it's only because you're the player on the field making big moves, actually doing something worth talking about. You were the one willing to say "yes" to living a life that actually means something.

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